Why Do We Try to Be Who We’re Not?

We all have strengths. So why don’t we use those instead of thinking we have to build different strengths? Let’s take a look at this example:

A few weeks into a new school year, a teacher felt increasingly helpless as her students’ parents seemed to take more and more advantage of her time. Parents called her on weekends, emailed her at night, and even texted her during class. She talked about the situation with the principal.  “You’re just too nice,” the principal told her. “You need to establish boundaries.  Just be business-like about it. No big deal.”

So, the teacher sent parents an email mapping out how and when to communicate with her.  There was everything right about the email—it was short, clear and accurately presented school policies. Unfortunately, the email had the opposite effect: communications from parents intensified.

Feeling frustrated and even more overwhelmed, the teacher went back to her comfort zone: being empathetic. As she re-examined the situation through this filter, she realized that the initial upsurge in parental communications had coincided with the increased class sizes this year: of course parents were worried. She also realized that her email had been so different than her own ‘voice,’ that parents probably felt criticized and, even worse, cut off from her at a time when they needed her reassurance about the class-size situation.

She sent another email, this time a very friendly communication recognizing their concerns and explaining in detail the teaching strategies she was using to compensate for the larger class size. The warm, open tone reassured parents that they — and their children — had her full attention and could have confidence in her skills as a teacher. As if by magic, calls from parents diminished and the teacher felt back in control of her time and her classroom.

What’s intriguing is that being herself (warm, empathetic, patient) worked far better than being someone else (crisp, business-like).

We’re onto something very important here—the idea that you can be most successful using strengths you already have.